Growing up as an overweight child wasn't easy. I would go to
school every day and hear the ridicule and comments of the “popular” kids. They
would play practical jokes that would, at times, send me home in tears. People talk all the time about going back and
wanting to do it all over again, how differently they would do things hoping
for a different end result. I have absolutely no desire to go back and relive
elementary or high school. One of the
impacts this has had on my life is this desire to be “perfect”. Rarely leaving
the house unless hair and make-up are done, projects have to be done to
perfection, never allowing myself to make a mistake and if I do the
self-criticism that would take place would blow a sane person’s mind. One the
other hand, I would have an enormous about of grace and generosity should
someone else be struggling with a mistake they made and needing some help to
see their way through it. Over the last year I have taken on retraining myself.
I am now a “recovering perfectionist”.
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| Emilia being a cheerleader |
On Friday it was goal setting and habit cracking time with
Emilia after our session. Here are some of the great things about Emilia. She
never yells, only encourages. Never judges, only motivates and no matter what
you throw at her will ALWAYS look for the solution. Emilia has redefined what a
“personal trainer” is for me. I used to think that the only thing they did was
train you on the fitness level. Emilia and her partner Taren, train you on all
levels because they acknowledge without changing you on a lifestyle and
nutrition level, the fitness level is, to a certain degree, futile. They are
your cheerleaders, especially when you aren't.
My perfectionist and self-criticism was in full effect. I
have laid out weight loss goals, and although I have done really well, not met
them. The biggest area for me right now is the full on war I am having with my
relationship with food. Emilia simply smiles and says “ Doesn't matter
everything you've gone through has gotten you here now, so now what”. Kind of like a child learning to walk, fall
down a thousand times, but the next time might be the time you stand up and
start walking, then eventually running.
Belief in oneself is sometimes a hard habit to form. When you've grown up listening to and believing what all the negative people say and
what society tells you, breaking that cycle isn't an easy one. Being a
recovering perfectionist has begun to break that cycle and the belief in myself
and my abilities is starting. Every day I wake up determined to eat a healthy,
balanced, diet and some days I win, some days I fail miserably, but I know that
the days where I am good are starting to outweigh the days where I am bad. The
other day I came home from the grocery store with ice cream and chips and as I
pulled them out of the bag I got angry with myself. Instead of eating them and
beating myself up I put them right into the trash and took the trash out. This
was a win for me and I am excited for more wins to come.
Goal: 20lbs by December 31, 2012.
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