Belief & Recovering Perfectionist

Growing up as an overweight child wasn't easy. I would go to school every day and hear the ridicule and comments of the “popular” kids. They would play practical jokes that would, at times, send me home in tears.  People talk all the time about going back and wanting to do it all over again, how differently they would do things hoping for a different end result. I have absolutely no desire to go back and relive elementary or high school.  One of the impacts this has had on my life is this desire to be “perfect”. Rarely leaving the house unless hair and make-up are done, projects have to be done to perfection, never allowing myself to make a mistake and if I do the self-criticism that would take place would blow a sane person’s mind. One the other hand, I would have an enormous about of grace and generosity should someone else be struggling with a mistake they made and needing some help to see their way through it. Over the last year I have taken on retraining myself. I am now a “recovering perfectionist”.

Emilia being a cheerleader

On Friday it was goal setting and habit cracking time with Emilia after our session. Here are some of the great things about Emilia. She never yells, only encourages. Never judges, only motivates and no matter what you throw at her will ALWAYS look for the solution. Emilia has redefined what a “personal trainer” is for me. I used to think that the only thing they did was train you on the fitness level. Emilia and her partner Taren, train you on all levels because they acknowledge without changing you on a lifestyle and nutrition level, the fitness level is, to a certain degree, futile. They are your cheerleaders, especially when you aren't.

My perfectionist and self-criticism was in full effect. I have laid out weight loss goals, and although I have done really well, not met them. The biggest area for me right now is the full on war I am having with my relationship with food. Emilia simply smiles and says “ Doesn't matter everything you've gone through has gotten you here now, so now what”.  Kind of like a child learning to walk, fall down a thousand times, but the next time might be the time you stand up and start walking, then eventually running.

Belief in oneself is sometimes a hard habit to form. When you've grown up listening to and believing what all the negative people say and what society tells you, breaking that cycle isn't an easy one. Being a recovering perfectionist has begun to break that cycle and the belief in myself and my abilities is starting. Every day I wake up determined to eat a healthy, balanced, diet and some days I win, some days I fail miserably, but I know that the days where I am good are starting to outweigh the days where I am bad. The other day I came home from the grocery store with ice cream and chips and as I pulled them out of the bag I got angry with myself. Instead of eating them and beating myself up I put them right into the trash and took the trash out. This was a win for me and I am excited for more wins to come.

Goal: 20lbs by December 31, 2012. 

Injury & Excuses...

TRX is my friend :) 

Ever have a moment where your ninja skills didn’t quite kick in fast enough and you ate dirt? Well I did, exactly one week ago. I was visiting my Mom and between the last step and some cement I ate dirt, bad. Upon examination and x-rays I have sprained the inside and outside of my right ankle. They call it a 3^rd degree 360 sprain. It is apparently worse than actually breaking your ankle and a chance that it may never heal properly. The feedback from the Dr. and my chiropractor was that my 5K on Sept 23^rd is defiantly a no go. The pain has, at times, been unbearable, walking with a cane feels ridiculous and so the pity party began.

I was upset that I wasn’t allowed to run my 5K. I was upset with myself for not paying attention where I was walking. Most of all I was upset because it always feels like when I have taken a giant step forward or a few steps forward I am being shoved back.  On Friday after x-rays and a not so great visit with the Dr. I spent some time with one of my favorite peeps, Sara. I was reminded that all this is, is the universe testing my resolve and resilience to my commitments. I have a choice, I can sit down but my leg up and be beaten or I can push on. I can push through the pain, the discomfort and still work towards my goal. The 5K race on Sept 23^rd is out, not all 5K races.

After many teary text messages and a conversation with Emilia, we met for a workout this morning. I was put through my paces, just as if I had full use of both feet, but not once did my ankle hurt because the workout was tailored to my injury. It felt AWESOME! It felt great to remove the excuse of “I have an injury I can’t.” Yes I can. A small set back is what this is, not the end of the world. I am lucky enough that I have surrounded myself with friends and family that remind me greatness is bread through adversity, so let’s get on with it. 

When you trust the TRX this is one hella upper body workout!

P.S - we did a weigh in and measurements this morning. Lost weight and inches still! Booyah!