We've Moved Homes...

Hello EverShrinkingDiva followers and new visitors! 

We've moved. Please click the link below and enjoy! Feel free to hit the "follow" button while you're there. 

evershrinkingdiva.com

Mucho Love, 

EverShrinkingDiva

Superman...

Yesterday I was served with a beautiful reminder…

When I am working out with my trainer, we are in a gym that is strictly for trainers who are training clients. For a few months now, every Monday I get to admire a we like to call Superman. I know his real name, but another female trainer told me they refer to him as Superman, which seemed far more fitting. Now, when Superman arrives there is an extra pep in my step, my form is normally spot on and I push myself a little bit harder than normal, let’s face it Superman is around. Why do we call him Superman? Well, he is a tall terribly handsome Italian gentleman, who looks exactly like Clark Kent, but when we watch him train, you know he is training because secretly in the night he puts on those tights and red cape, taking off those dark framed glasses and he saves the world.

Now, I have come to learn that Superman is in fact married, with 3 children. No worries, because every girl loves window shopping even though there is no intent to be Lois Lane. I had this picture in my mind of who/what his wife would look like and today I got to see her. Turns out she trains at the same time as him sometimes. I was expecting to see this image I had in my head of someone I thought Superman would pick and I was wrong. Superman’s wife is a stunningly beautiful plus size woman.  Between sets they stole kisses and Superman has in fact found his Lois Lane.

I was reminded that beauty is not found in a type, style or assumption of who you think you should be or what you think you should look like. Beauty is found inside and it glows out. Every guy is Superman and he is just looking for his Lois Lane that radiates her super powers from the inside out. 

Fort Nikki...

Over the last few weeks I have been looking internally at a lot of different things. Situations and decisions have come up in my life that I have never really had to navigate before and two very dear friends have taken the time to point something quite painful, but necessary out to me.

Outwardly you wouldn’t know that I am a very private…introvert. After some thought and a little bit of reading, I am an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I can’t count the number of people on one hand that I trust and I don’t let many people in. This has slowly started to change with the blogging and the posting of my pictures on my Facebook, but those are small changes that I tell myself are good steps towards my goals. What the truth is, I have built a really great fort around me. I have made it up of sparkles, glitter, unicorns, and I am standing on the inside wanting to let people in, but so overcome with fear, at times, that it is easier to just keep the draw bridges up and the moat filled with alligators and sharks.

There are things in this life that I want to accomplish and I have it like I can accomplish them. Can I if I am held up in this fort all the time? Can I really accomplish them if I insist on doing it on my own? Can I really accomplish all the things I want to accomplish with the teeny tiny changes that I am making? Is that commitment? Is living this way making me happy? Bringing me joy?

I am very lucky and so grateful for the things I have in my life, my intention here is not to complain. I am just acknowledging that I tend to lean a lot towards the “I can do it myself” and “I don’t really need anyone’s help” way of operating. Not right or wrong, good or bad, but to accomplish some of the things I want to I won’t be able to do it alone and without people I trust. I acknowledge that I have always been a fan of the “safe and calculated” moves outside my comfort zone. Time for some bigger leaps! 

Respect For Food...

My new place setting :) 

If there is one thing that has become blazingly obvious it is that I do not respect food and the ritual of eating. I would say that there are defiantly times that I eat on the run, eat standing at the counter, eat take out simply because it’s easy to grab after a long day. I can’t remember the last time that I really enjoyed a meal either. You know that type of enjoyment where you can describe the taste perfectly, you can remember the feel of the food on your tongue and you rave about it anyone that will listen.  I get so wrapped up in completing my “to do” list that stopping to take a breathe and enjoy my food is at the bottom of the list. I believe that this is also what has led to the habit of eating more food than I actually need to eat in one sitting. When you aren’t paying attention to the food and are focused on a different task I read that you can consume almost double what you need before your body registers as full leaving you with that “stuffed” feeling.

As I continue to read Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss one of the exercises is to start a love affair with food. The relationship I have had with food has been one of obsession, not love. When I eat there is guilt and shame present so the last thing I want to do is take my time in eating it, or appreciate the flavors and tastes. So in an effort to undermine the thought patterns I have around food the exercise is to purchase a new, single place setting that you love and eat one meal a day at your kitchen table, taking your time, enjoying the food. No distractions, no cell phones, no newspapers, no books. You only use this place setting for this ritual, starting with one meal a day.

Well I did this exercise, once. I bought the beautiful place setting and eating dinner at the table with no distractions was really quite difficult and it took something. At first I felt ridiculous sitting at the table by myself, then I was annoyed and then I found myself trying to eat really quickly, so I stopped. I put down my fork and looked at the yummy, healthy meal I had prepared. I took a deep breathe, picked my fork back up and took a bite. Between each bite I put down my fork while I chewed. I was full before I even finished everything on my plate. One other thing I noticed was how good food tastes when you allow yourself to enjoy it! I didn’t cook with any added flavor other than what flavors came from the food and the herbs I used. It was amazing!

It is weird to think that I need to develop a love affair with food, because it feels like that is the exact opposite of what I need, but an obsession is different than a true love affair. As a result of this exercise I am taking on “clean eating” and eating dinner 5 nights a week at my kitchen table. Oh, if you aren’t sure on what “clean eating” is, stay tuned for my next blog post :)

Comfort, Relief & Change…

I am just past the half way mark in my 30 day challenge and up till these past few days it has been awesome. I have been full of energy, sleep has been amazing and I have been feeling really good. It’s amazing the difference eating barely any sugar can make in one’s life.  Then I tweaked a muscle in my hip and I couldn’t work out for almost 4 days. My chiropractor told me that going from working out 2-3 days a week to 5 days a week naturally increases the risk for injury if not careful and I didn’t listen to my body.  Standing looking at myself in the mirror it was the first time I noticed some changes in my body. I have two distinct lines down either side of my abdomen indicating that all the planking and core work I have been doing is paying off.  The little bulge in my tummy is distinctly smaller. The pants I put on defiantly were fitting smaller. A giant set of stairs I used to get winded climbing, I practically ran up them…. What did I do…panic.

A distinct sense of panic set it. I dealt with this panic by eating Jellybeans, followed the next day by a cookie, followed the next day by a donut. CRAP! Food, for me, has always provided a sense of relief, a sense of comfort and as I ate all this sugar and what I would have considered some of my “go to” foods, that familiar sense of comfort never set it. What set in was a gross sugar coma feeling. What set in was a tummy ache, not a sense of relief or comfort. This was quickly followed by tears and an emergency meeting with a couple members of the Skinny Cheerleader Posse (Click here to read about Skinny Cheerleader Posse).

These changes are scary for me. The layer of protection that I spent many years building is slowly slipping away. The bad habits I used to find comfort in are no longer comfortable. The foods I used to love to eat, no longer taste as good as they used to. This is all a good thing, despite not feeling that way!

Change happens. I ask for it and it is coming. Now my goal is to find new, healthy forms of comfort. For example, when panic sets in I go for a walk or a run. I call a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member and talk it out. I write a blog post, which is what this one is now, while sitting across from a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member. Allowing this change to happen is going to take a level of courage and vulnerability. It’s going to take me acknowledging and letting go of all my little self-sabotaging habits that have kept me overweight all this time.

Breathe….just breathe…I can do this. 

30 Day Fitness Challenge…

Well I have gone and done it now… I am on Day 4 of a 30 Day Fitness Challenge with Seva Fitness.

The challenge goes from Feb 1 – March 2. We are required to submit photos and measurements before and after and the winners are judged not only based on amounts lost in pounds and inches, but also in our participation. So, how actively am I participating and interacting with other challengers? Using the online forum?   Am I utilizing the access to 2 trainers, 2 physiotherapists and a holistic nutritionist? Did I attend all my boot camps and nutrition classes, etc… Then at the very end I have to submit a 200 word essay or vlog on how the challenge has affected my life.

I jumped at the opportunity to register when I got the invitation. However, as Day 1 got closer and closer  panic was setting in. Friday, I had my regular session with Emilia and we were doing photos and measurements for the challenge and I had to wear a tight fitting top. My normal attire for the gym is a baggy t-shirt, but I didn’t have that option this time. I was super uncomfortable in the studio with all the other trainers and people working out around me. I refused to do an exercise facing the mirror, but Emilia wasn’t allowing that to continue, so I faced the mirror and had to look at myself. Looking in the mirror for me, is like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun; scary and something I never wanted to face.

Day 3, Sunday, was my first bootcamp class. It has been some time since I have participated in any form of group exercise.  In fact, I tend to avoid it at all costs because it reminds me of high school and PE Class and the discomfort I would feel on a weekly basis. The snickers and looks from other kids, never being as good as everyone else in the class, being the last chosen for teams, not being able to keep up. On top of all of this, there was the self-talk going on in my head. I walked into the studio this morning and I was faced with 16 other women and 1 man all participating in the challenge. All those thoughts, fears and feelings from PE class came rushing back with force.

3 days into a 30 day fitness challenge and I have had to face two big fears square in the face. I had the thought today that I don’t know if I can take 27 more days of this! What I am getting is that going back is no longer an option. I am closing the back door and sealing all escape routes, so that the only option I have left is to go forward, move forward, to keep pushing through the fear, through the garbage to see what’s on the other side.

So if my only option is going forward then let’s go because this isn’t about the next 27 days, this is about living the width of my life, not the length of my life. I want to live this life with everything I got for however long I got. Having the ability to look any fear in the face and tell it to F off is really the best superpower anyone can ask for.

Let’s get er’ done! 

Fat B*tch’s Apology to Skinny Cheerleader…

Thank you Google Images for the photo

As I have shared previously I am making my way through a very confronting book, A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It’s never a mistake that an hour after posting on my blog about Forgiveness I pick up this book to continue reading and this chapter is too about forgiveness.

This chapter talks about our deepest fear is one of being acknowledged as beautiful, that the idea of being healthy and skinny frightens me. For the first time in a long time this is one fear I won’t deny. I think about being healthy and having this body I have seen in my mind’s eye before but truth of the matter is, I don’t know how to navigate the world being that. I know how to navigate the world being a plus size girl. I know how to navigate comments, doorways, airplane seats, etc. I don’t know how to handle or what the world would be like as a skinnier version of me. The chapter continues to talk about trusting that you are strong enough to handle being beautiful and trusting that the world is not a dangerous place.

This chapter took a little digesting and as a result the exercise in the chapter is to write an apology letter, so once again what better place to share this than here…

Fat B*tch Apologizes…

Dear Skinny Cheerleader,

                I know that I haven’t been the nicest person to you. Stuffing you away with all the food and trying to ignore the fact that you exist. I’ve never actually seen you because I started to get heavy at such an early age so it’s hard to believe you really exist. Although, I’m certain I’ve seen glimpses of you in the mirror and it did make me smile. I want to love you, but the consumption of fear at time is overwhelming and the eating of food so easy. I’m hoping, praying and trying to trust that if I stay the course I’m on, you’ll be revealed. With the help of my trainers, my friends and some Divine guidance I will embrace all the love that you are. I’m sorry.

                                                                                                Bare With Me,

                                                                                                                Fat B*tch

Skinny Cheerleader Responds…

Dear Fat B*tch,

                I’m right here, pom pom’s in hand. Ready when you are.

                                                                                Ready to be Exposed,

                                                                                                Skinny Cheerleader

                P.S – Yes that was me you saw in the mirror. 

Forgiveness...

Being home in Vernon always proves to be an interesting experience for me. It’s kind of like returning to the scene of the crime. Vernon is the city I grew up in, the city that I gained a majority of my weight in. The city where I formed many opinions and judgements about myself based on what others said and did. I have been here for a few days and the word that keeps popping into my mind is forgiveness. Forgive those whose words I allowed to torment me and forgive myself for choosing food as my coping strategy.

Forgiving myself would then mean accepting myself as perfect, exactly the way I am. I think that is one of the hardest lessons of all too truly learn and breathe into your core. I am whole exactly the way I am. I am beautiful exactly the way I am and I am perfect exactly the way I am. We spend mountains of time telling ourselves all the things we do wrong, all the things we need to change, fix and make better and we forget to appreciate exactly where we are.

I know as humans we like to make forgiving someone one of the hardest tasks possible. It feels like if I forgive the kids in high school for their torment and comments I am somehow excusing their behavior  but I know this isn’t true. When I really look at this, it is myself that I really need to forgive. I chose eating food as a way of dealing with the emotions I felt around their words and actions. If I forgive them I have to forgive myself. By doing this I continue to repair the unhealthy relationship I have with food.

Making mistakes and choices that don’t turn out like we thought is hard to accept, but making them is part of being human. So if I know that no matter what I am going to keep making them, why not learn from them move on because making the same mistake over and over again…no longer an option. 

This video seems to perfectly describe my journey, so I thought "Of course I am going to share it with you guys!" Amazing voice, amazing lady! 

 

Skinny Cheerleader's Posse...

So the response I have gotten from my last post has been slightly overwhelming and I have wanted, a few times, to delete it from the website. Revealing and sharing those letters was a “putting my heart on display for all to see” experience. Mostly, what I’ve discovered….Skinny Cheerleader has partners! Not only partners, she has a posse of people on her side. I have come to call them Posse O’ B*tches (P O’B’s). Can you tell I am welcoming them with open arms? LOL.

For the last few weeks it has been a S.T.R.U.G.G.L.E for me to stay on the eating healthy path and doing my own workouts over and above my workouts with Emilia or Taren. There were days where I was fine and days where I was so far off the path that I didn’t know which end of the spoon was up in the ice cream. Now, my normal response to this is to beat myself up with a sledgehammer and although I did spend a little bit of time doing this, I wasn’t allowed to do it to long because someone for the P O’B’s was always right there to remind me. This week it was Emilia.

It was weigh in and measurements week. I didn’t do so well in the weigh in portion, but I still lost inches. How this works is beyond me, but I trust the measuring tape, still hate the scale though. Emilia reminded me that set backs are not ways to take yourself out, they should serve as reminders to focus on your goal and to not get too cocky or confident with your habits.

Although I may not be welcoming the P O’B’s with open arms I am glad they are around because the help keep me focused. Remind me of my ultimate end goal and support me along the way. I am not going to do this journey perfectly and I am beginning to accept that, but it's still my journey. 

Fat B*tch Vs. Skinny Cheerleader

** Fair warning that this is a longish post**

Well my weight loss journey has hit a new bump in the road in the form of a book called A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. I have had this book in my arsenal of books to read because I had the pleasure of meeting and hearing Marianne speak a year and a bit ago and it really struck a cord with me. It has been one of the books that I pick up, read the first page, look at the first exercise and that little annoying voice inside my head goes “Nope! No way, Retreat! Retreat!” So the book quickly goes back on the shelf. I have brought it with me on vacation several times and still the same response.

A few weeks back I picked it up and told myself that no matter what I am going to begin this book. I am on Chapter 4, but last week, in Chapter 2, I had to write two letters that were probably the hardest two letters I have ever had to write. The lesson in Chapter 2 “…involves you getting to know, and to love, the part of you that overeats…” and healing the relationship between the part of you that eats wisely and the part that does not. So I wrote my two letters to “Not-Thin Me and Thin Me”, or as I came to call them Fat B*tch and Skinny Cheerleader.  As previously stated the point of the exercise is to heal the relationship between these two parts of your psyche. As soon as I finished I felt exposed and vulnerable so what better place to share those letters than here. 

Skinny Cheerleader writes to Fat B*tch…

Dear Fat B*tch,

I’ve spent a lot of time and energy into building you, adding layer upon layer of fat and protection. My intent was to protect you from the mean people, places and things in this world and to keep you isolated and alone, so that you never have to experience the ridicule and hurt again. I’ve used you as my out for not acknowledging my greatness. I blame you for my unhappiness and misery. I know you were created out of fear; 1 pizza at a time, 1 pint of ice cream and 1 burger at a time. I’m sorry to say your fat b*tchy ass is being kicked to the curb honey.

The ice cream, treats, sweets and food that you eat in secret won’t win anymore. It’s time to shine some light and love on the darkness from which I shoved you into and you were created. Those kids from elementary and high school don’t deserve your power anymore. You don’t need the protection anymore. It’s time to put down the reason and excuses. It’s time to shine and let love in. It’s time to make those dreams of wearing a bikini a reality. It’s time to let your greatness shine and love spread.

I know at times I’ve done and said some very nasty things about you and I’m sorry. Let’s forgive and love. The fat, sarcasm and disconnect between our mind and heart is time to heal. It’s time to climb more mountains! How about The Chief? Let’s go explore the world wearing smaller clothes. It’s time to wear those cute little dresses and high heels and live the life worthy of us. I’ve given you a lot of power for a lot of years, but no more sister! So let’s work together and make sh*t happen! .

                                                                                      Yours in Love & Light: Skinny Cheerleader

P.S – Skinny taste better than fat, Bob Harper says so! 

Fat B*tch responds to Skinny Cheerleader…

Listen hear Skinny Cheerleader,

Take your superhero pom pom’s and shove it! We’ve been here before. You give me some grand speech about letting the greatness shine, but then you disappear, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t jump on this bandwagon at warp speed with you again.

I don’t deny that I’m getting tired of lugging around this extra weight. Trust me pouring it into a pair of jeans isn’t easy. It would be awesome to slip into that cute little dress and heels to go dance the night away. I agree with you, but how can I trust you won’t bail again?

I’ve spent a lot of time curled up on the couch secretly eating because it’s safer here. It’s less scary. I’m having a hard time letting go. Letting go of the belief that life doesn’t have to be hard; that it’s ok to let love in doesn’t happen overnight. I’m having a hard time trusting you, trusting us, trusting that we can do it. I’m getting there, it’s just hard to hang out on a cliff or ledge not knowing how it’s gonna turn out.

You’ve been a pain in my gigantic ass most of this year and I’m glad you’ve stuck around longer than normal and I’m sorry for recently trying to stuff you away with ice cream and pizza. I’m getting there, but working “together” is hard for someone that likes to do everything alone. So seriously, put down the pom pom’s I’ve got some vegetables and fruit in the fridge and I’m trying to meet you halfway.

                                                                                                   Coming towards the light: Fat B*tch

P.S - Everyone knows Jillian Michaels is the sh*t!

Girlfriends...

 If there is one thing that I have come to appreciate and love more than ever it’s my girlfriends. Surviving female friendships can be hard. I truly believe that saying “people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.” (click here to read). It is up to us to figure out which they are.

For the sake of this post, I’m talking about those girlfriends that are here for a lifetime. They are the ones that are there for the good, the bad, and the times you can’t even get out of bed. The ones that can see the massive mistake you are about to make and despite their best efforts to warn you, you make it anyway. It is because of these girlfriends that you can stumble through life so fearlessly, knowing that, no matter what; they will be there to catch you. They are also that one’s whose love and support can come in the form of a 2X4 to the head. They give tough love when it’s need and have this uncanny ability to talk you out of a funk or off a ledge. They say the things you don’t want to hear, but give you the encouragement to succeed. In return, you do the exact same for them, no questions, no conditions.

It can be hard to find girlfriends like this.

I have been blessed to have some of these kinds of girlfriends in my life. This year has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and I don’t know where I’d be without them, so to them, I say thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for pushing, pulling and peeling me off the floor, even when I felt like there was nothing left. Thank you for joining in the celebrations and love with a 2X4, because Lord knows, stubborn is my middle name at times. I love and appreciate each of you. I’m thankful every morning that we are in each other’s lives and look forward to the many years ahead, despite distance, space and time. I am the woman I am because of you. 

Emilia's Corner: Good Days & Bad Days...

Crazy Emilia!

We all have them, it is part of being human. How you deal with your good and bad days is what’s important.

I am going to talk about the benefits of having exercise as part of your routine to be used as your outlet for helping you get through those bad days (aka stresses) and reaching the happiness we all deserve.

The most important reason is that exercise provides an effective release of negative emotions, turning these otherwise potentially unhealthy emotions into motivation for increased health and well-being. Sometimes it can be tough for us to realize this, but all we have to do is get moving for a few minutes and you will notice a difference in your mood almost instantaneously, I guarantee it.

Here are some benefits of exercise to reduce your stress:

1.      Stress Hormones

Exercise helps to decrease the hormones in your body that are there to help you cope with stress. It is a natural mood booster that can last all day. – see this link for more information on stress hormones and the causes of constant stress.

2.      It is a great source of distraction.

Sometimes, all we need is a change in scenery temporarily to take our minds off what we are thinking about and exercise is an excellent tool to use to do so. That can be anything from walking to yoga to the gym which all of these places can be a lower stress environment to help clear your mind.

3.      The shallow part: looking good = feeling good

Yes, this is a more surface level benefit but when you exercise and start to feel the changes in your body it is extremely motivating, empowering, uplifting and therefore of course it is going to increase your mood! When you look healthy (to what you feel for your body is,) it reduces your stress level immensely.

4.      Environment

We all know when you’ re in a positive environment where the people around you are all about similar values it rubs off on the other. Using exercise as a positive tool to get together with friends and family will only bring a positive attitude and therefore help to reduce your stress levels. Make it a consistent commitment and the gains will be even greater.

5.      Immunity

While stress can cause illness, it is important to have exercise in your life. It helps to increase your immune system, which helps to ward off sickness such as the common cold or flu’s.

6.      Resilience

This by far is my favorite reason for having exercise in my life.  The more frequent you exercise and associate exercise as a positive factor in your life, the more resilient you become to your daily stresses and less affected by them!

To me that is so important, because it is so easy to get into a funk, you need that key go to positive outlet that will help you be the person you are meant to be.

If anyone has questions on exercise please feel free to drop me a line:

Emilia@flipyourlife.ca

Yours in health,

Emilia

Choices...

Every day we make choices and decisions. Some we think about, ponder, weigh the pros and cons and take our time choosing. Then there are those choices we don’t think about, they are easy and require little to no thought. Going for coffee with a friend you haven’t seen in a long time, smiling at the cute guy at the gym, buying a pair of jeans because they make your butt look amazing. Then there are the choices that you used to give no thought to that you now have to give every ounce of energy you have into making. For me these once easy decisions are around food and eating. I used to give it no thought and now it takes all the energy I have sometimes to make the right choice, the healthy choice, the choice that is going to move me towards my goal of a healthier more vital me.

I had this thought that once I made the decision to start working with Emilia and live a healthier life style it would be easy. There would be a big fat red “easy” button sittin’ there. Nope. I started to have to get honest with emotions and feelings that have been buried deep. Feels of the hate for those individuals that made elementary school and high school more difficult and the same feelings of hate towards myself for letting them. The more I started looking the more I began to process these emotions. Over 20 years of habits, choices and decisions laid out in front of you is never an easy pill to swallow. I am then reminded of a scene in movie Sex In The City 2 where Samantha is about to take a handful of pills and Charlotte asks her how she’s going to swallow all those. Samantha smiles and says “Have we met?” I have started to swallow this pill and wage a war on the unhealthy habits and choices that I previously gave no thought to because who I was in high school is not the same girl that I am today.

Choices are made in every moment of every day. Making one wrong choice in one moment is human, it’s how long you let that choice derail you where strength is found. I had a challenging week in a lot of areas, but in the area of eating I made better choices this week than I did last week. I wasn’t perfect and that’s ok, because I wasn’t as bad as the week before.  I am choosing to celebrate this because this journey isn’t about being perfect, and for a recovering perfectionist, well heck….

Yesterday was weigh in and measurements with Emilia….4.5lbs lost never to be found again!

Belief & Recovering Perfectionist

Growing up as an overweight child wasn't easy. I would go to school every day and hear the ridicule and comments of the “popular” kids. They would play practical jokes that would, at times, send me home in tears.  People talk all the time about going back and wanting to do it all over again, how differently they would do things hoping for a different end result. I have absolutely no desire to go back and relive elementary or high school.  One of the impacts this has had on my life is this desire to be “perfect”. Rarely leaving the house unless hair and make-up are done, projects have to be done to perfection, never allowing myself to make a mistake and if I do the self-criticism that would take place would blow a sane person’s mind. One the other hand, I would have an enormous about of grace and generosity should someone else be struggling with a mistake they made and needing some help to see their way through it. Over the last year I have taken on retraining myself. I am now a “recovering perfectionist”.

Emilia being a cheerleader

On Friday it was goal setting and habit cracking time with Emilia after our session. Here are some of the great things about Emilia. She never yells, only encourages. Never judges, only motivates and no matter what you throw at her will ALWAYS look for the solution. Emilia has redefined what a “personal trainer” is for me. I used to think that the only thing they did was train you on the fitness level. Emilia and her partner Taren, train you on all levels because they acknowledge without changing you on a lifestyle and nutrition level, the fitness level is, to a certain degree, futile. They are your cheerleaders, especially when you aren't.

My perfectionist and self-criticism was in full effect. I have laid out weight loss goals, and although I have done really well, not met them. The biggest area for me right now is the full on war I am having with my relationship with food. Emilia simply smiles and says “ Doesn't matter everything you've gone through has gotten you here now, so now what”.  Kind of like a child learning to walk, fall down a thousand times, but the next time might be the time you stand up and start walking, then eventually running.

Belief in oneself is sometimes a hard habit to form. When you've grown up listening to and believing what all the negative people say and what society tells you, breaking that cycle isn't an easy one. Being a recovering perfectionist has begun to break that cycle and the belief in myself and my abilities is starting. Every day I wake up determined to eat a healthy, balanced, diet and some days I win, some days I fail miserably, but I know that the days where I am good are starting to outweigh the days where I am bad. The other day I came home from the grocery store with ice cream and chips and as I pulled them out of the bag I got angry with myself. Instead of eating them and beating myself up I put them right into the trash and took the trash out. This was a win for me and I am excited for more wins to come.

Goal: 20lbs by December 31, 2012. 

Injury & Excuses...

TRX is my friend :) 

Ever have a moment where your ninja skills didn’t quite kick in fast enough and you ate dirt? Well I did, exactly one week ago. I was visiting my Mom and between the last step and some cement I ate dirt, bad. Upon examination and x-rays I have sprained the inside and outside of my right ankle. They call it a 3^rd degree 360 sprain. It is apparently worse than actually breaking your ankle and a chance that it may never heal properly. The feedback from the Dr. and my chiropractor was that my 5K on Sept 23^rd is defiantly a no go. The pain has, at times, been unbearable, walking with a cane feels ridiculous and so the pity party began.

I was upset that I wasn’t allowed to run my 5K. I was upset with myself for not paying attention where I was walking. Most of all I was upset because it always feels like when I have taken a giant step forward or a few steps forward I am being shoved back.  On Friday after x-rays and a not so great visit with the Dr. I spent some time with one of my favorite peeps, Sara. I was reminded that all this is, is the universe testing my resolve and resilience to my commitments. I have a choice, I can sit down but my leg up and be beaten or I can push on. I can push through the pain, the discomfort and still work towards my goal. The 5K race on Sept 23^rd is out, not all 5K races.

After many teary text messages and a conversation with Emilia, we met for a workout this morning. I was put through my paces, just as if I had full use of both feet, but not once did my ankle hurt because the workout was tailored to my injury. It felt AWESOME! It felt great to remove the excuse of “I have an injury I can’t.” Yes I can. A small set back is what this is, not the end of the world. I am lucky enough that I have surrounded myself with friends and family that remind me greatness is bread through adversity, so let’s get on with it. 

When you trust the TRX this is one hella upper body workout!

P.S - we did a weigh in and measurements this morning. Lost weight and inches still! Booyah! 

Relationship to Food...

Thank you Google Images for the photo

I have been trying to write this post for about a month now. I told myself that I was going to write it, come hell or high water, today. I opened my computer 4 hours ago to start and am just sitting down now. It’s amazing the distractions we can create when we are really trying to avoid dealing with something. Here we go…

My relationship with food has been a dark and stormy one. I can remember the day that I started using food to substitute dealing with emotions.  I can also remember growing up in a household with a mother that was battling her own demons with food, so the habits I learned, weren’t exactly the best ones. Now, before you all jump on the “Don’t blame your mother” bandwagon, she will be the first to tell you she didn’t set a good example in the eating habit department. I ate to my emotions. I was happy, I ate. I was sad, I stuffed the sadness down with food. I did a good job, I celebrated with food. I was angry, I ate. If there was an emotion, I ate. A recipe for disaster developed.

Over the years as I became more and more ashamed of my eating habits I began to hide them and the more I began to hide them the more they began to scare me. Food has had a powerful hold over me for many years. I go to the grocery store, determined to only get the good stuff and as I am putting the groceries away at home I am putting away ice cream, trying to remember how it got into the basket. I go unconscious around food and this is scary.

In working with Emilia, one of the things she does is request I keep a record of everything that I eat, and submit it to her weekly. I’m certain she can write an entire post about her frustrations in getting me to be consistent at this task, because I most certainly am not. Accountability around what I eat has never been existent for me before so I am being forced to deal with all these feelings of shame and guilt around my eating habits.  Feelings I have spent years stuffing, avoiding and covering up. I am no longer allowed to go unconscious.

I would deal with the shame and guilt when I would start a new diet or make a new commitment to my health that would eventually fall to wayside when the emotions became too much, so what now? What has to change to change my eating habits? My answer….I don’t know. My post Relationship to Self, plays a big part in this too. The conversations you have with yourself in your head need to remain positive. Your goals need to remain at the front most part of your brain and your will and determination to not give in to the temptation has to be greater. I love Bob Harper’s expression “Skinny Tastes better than Fat” and Jillian Michaels “Unless you puke, faint or die…keep going”. These are on post-its on my mirror in the bathroom.

This path of consciousness is just one I am starting to walk, I’m certain it will be filled with wins, losses and epic fails, but I am excited to walk it with all of you. 

Priorities...

Emilia uses this t-shirt as a weapon against me :) 

There are times in our lives where our responsibilities can get overwhelming and we are left to prioritize what gets done first, what moves to the bottom of the list, what gets taken off altogether and then, once this list is complete we start to address our willingness to get to work and at times, procrastination to move forward with the list. I have been saying for the last few months that my health, eating healthy and exercising is a top priority for me. I have invested the money in a personal trainer so you’d think that it really is a top priority for me…wrong, it hasn’t been.  I’ve been doing good, don’t get me wrong, but there is definite room for improvement. 

I suffer from, what at times feels severe, case of procrastination. The most popular phrase running through my head is “I’ll start tomorrow.”  This is how I have been, especially the last couple weeks. I did go through some health issues in June, which was the perfect excuse to coast for a couple weeks, but I have been perfectly fine to continue with my health and weight loss journey. Then some stuff came up at work, then a vacation to visit my brother and nieces in Prince George, then more stuff at work and then……there is always going to be something. I will always have the perfect excuse not to make this a priority.

Ever notice how when something falls into the urgent/important category you seem to pull it off with super human speed, strength and stamina? Why is it that we wait until this moment to get it done and at what cost does this procrastination come? Is it really worth it?

Me not making my health a priority is something that cannot continue.  I am also notoriously awesome at being really hard on myself for not making it a priority, which is also something that cannot continue. So here is the game for the next 7 days, yes just 7 days…

1.       Minimum 30 minutes of exercise each day, no excuses

2.       Track my food and sending it to Emilia (this is something I currently do if I feel like it)

The consequences of me not making my health and well-being a priority are to great not to. Really…what am I afraid of? 

Relationship to Self...

Pulling Emilia the length of the track = H.A.R.D

Even as I think about typing this it makes me nauseous, but I am going to write this entry regardless.

On Saturday evening I had the pleasure of enjoying the fireworks with my dear friend AL at Vanier Park. We were sipping our “grape Kool-Aid” (aka red wine) from out Nalgene bottles when a family sat down not that far in front of us. A girl was with them and she was struggling to fit into the camp chair and it was wicked hot out and she was wearing jeans and a purple long sleeve pullover, I knew what she was doing, done it many times myself, cover up, hide and maybe people won’t notice you. I felt sad for her. I started having a conversation with AL as the events unfolded in front of me and AL asked me “What do you see when you look at her?” My response was me, I see me. She then asked “Do you think that is how big you are?” My response “No, maybe a little bigger” AL said “Wow, your relationship to yourself is way skewed, let me point out someone who you actually look like.” She proceeded to point out an older lady, stating that I maybe had 20lbs on her. I believe I called her a liar and told her to stop smoking the crack, but for the rest of the evening I couldn’t help but stare at the lady she pointed out wondering if that was what I really looked like.

This conversation, of course, was relived today during my session with Emilia and her response was exactly the thought that had been going through my head since Saturday. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one of all. My relationship with myself in relation to my size hasn’t been a very accurate one. We did resistance running today and Emilia took a picture of me from behind and I forced myself to really look at the picture. I am not as big as I have trained my mind to think I am. Do I have some work to do? Yes. Am I doing it perfectly? No, but I am still doing it. Emilia smiled and said “This is your journey; it takes you as long as it takes you. This is all part of the journey.”  I also had coffee with my friend Tiffany last night and she said something very similar. “This life is your journey, you can’t screw it up, so might as well make it a good one!”

As I move along this path I am realizing that training the body is the easy part, the hard part is retraining your mind and developing new, more empowering beliefs in yourself.

Bring it on! 

Emilia's Corner: Integrity...

Crazy girls of Flip Training

My post today is all about integrity. What does that mean exactly? It means to honor your word to yourself.  Just you, no one else.

If you can’t do this, how are you going to go far in life? Or help others? And what does this have to do with health and fitness? Well it has everything to do with it.

In order to make healthy sustainable changes you need to make a commitment with yourself. That is exactly what Nikki had done for herself the day her and I sat down at Starbucks one Friday afternoon as we laid out her short-term health goals.  This one small step we took to set up her goals was the beginning of a push that will continue to push harder and farther as Nikki moves through her journey to her weight loss goals.

The small habits that we begin to develop as we make our way toward our goals are the most important part of the process. Never underestimate their power! This is the true test to see if you are really committed to your new lifestyle you are creating for yourself.

We are all on our own journeys as we navigate through life, all at varying levels but this one thing is true for all of us. This is how we can all relate to one another and understand. Our ability to commit to our inner word and do what makes us truly happy and feel alive at the end of the day. This is not an easy task by any means. There are days where you just feel like quitting and giving up, but that inner voice, your integrity it comes in and pushes you right out of that hole with a force so strong you take another leap forward. Nikki exemplified this the day we did the grouse grind, her first fitness goal completed!

I believe a huge part of our inability to commit is due to the culture we live in today. It has taught us in many ways that we need to reach “perfection” and quite frankly what does that even mean? Who came up with the meaning of what this perfect body is supposed to even look like? There is no such thing!

As you embark on your fitness journey take pride in every positive step you take to reach your goals. Love your inner strength and remove all thoughts of doubt and shame from your mind to make room for all those positive affirmations of success.

The knowledge and skills you will develop along the way is the integrity and dignity to accomplish anything you want in life.

Yours in health,

Emilia

Milestone #1 – Grouse Grind

Today was a big day for me and I am struggling to put it into words. It is the first time that I laid out a fitness goal and achieved it.

For those of you that don’t know this is the Grouse Grind (taken from the Grouse Grind Website): 

The Grouse Grind® is a 2.9-kilometre trail up the face of Grouse Mountain, commonly referred to as “Mother Nature’s Stairmaster.”

This trail is very challenging. Keep in mind that there is a wide range of mountaintop trails that might better suit the average hiker.

Trail Facts

Length: 2.9 kilometres (1.8 miles)
Elevation Gain: 853 metres (2,800 feet)
Base: 274 metres above sea level (900 feet)
Summit: 1,127 metres (3,700 feet)
Total Stairs: 2,830 

Statistics: Annually, over 100,000 people hike the trail.
Average Time: On average it takes up to an hour and a half to complete the hike. For novice hikers, two hours is recommended.
Participants: Hikers range in age from 7 to 90, with an equal male/female split.

This is what I chose to be my first fitness milestone when Emilia and I first began working together.

This morning as I was getting ready it was very apparent I was nervous, anxious, excited and 10 o’clock couldn’t come soon enough. I was nervous because I’ve heard everyone’s horror stories about the Grouse Grind. My second fitness goal is to run a 5K and several people, including Emilia, have told me that a 5K is easier than the Grouse Grind. I’m also going with Emilia, my personal trainer, and my dear friend Claire, avid hiker extraordinaire.  What if I’m too slow for them? What if they get bored or annoyed because I’m going to slow? Then I received this awesome text from my Mom and she said that this is my goal, no one else’s. Emilia and Claire are my cheerleaders and two of the last people in the world that would get annoyed or frustrated. Half the battle of preparing for this hike is telling myself that I can do that. I can climb those stairs, I can make that mountain my b*tch!

Nothing could have prepared me for what I met on that mountain face. It is a beautiful hike, ridiculously hard, but beautiful hike. This hike wasn’t physical for me, it was apparent that the training I had been doing with Emilia had paid off. It wasn’t until past the half-way marker that my body started to let me know it wasn’t stoked with my activity, but I knew it would be fine. What people failed to let me in on is that the further up the mountain you go the less oxygen there is, because you get further and further away from sea-level. I wasn’t prepared for the difficulty breathing part, but the biggest win for me today was the mental challenge.

It started at the ¼ marker, I started to get teary eyed. The stretch to the first ¼ marker is the longest and the thoughts that started to go through my head were both positive and negative. The further up the mountain we got the more tired I got and the negative thoughts started to creep in more and more, then add on the difficult breathing and the thoughts got louder and louder. Every time I would stop Emilia and Claire would chime in with positive reinforcement but it became clear that it was going to have to come from within to get my ass up that mountain. Emilia looked me in the eye and said “Nikki you are stronger than the thoughts in your head, let’s get to the next marker”. I knew she was right. Every time a negative thought would enter, I would simply say to myself “Balls out Nicole, let’s go” and I reached a point where it was sheer will and determination that was getting me up that mountain.

As soon as we reached the top Emilia and Claire started cheering and I started crying because I had done it! I had beaten my thoughts and kicked that mountains ass! I didn’t let my past history of “I can’t do it” or “I’m too fat to do it” win, I freakin’ did it! I was tired but by golly I did it! There were points on that mountain that I didn’t think I was going to make it, but when  I stop and look back there were people of all ages, all fitness levels getting their asses up that mountain. Some ran, some walked, some had no problems and some had the same problems I was having, but everyone’s goal is the same, get up that mountain. There are people going past you that hand out high fives or help you through the steep part with foot placement because they want to see you win. Today…I won! 

Next Goal: 5K Run on Sept 23rd.