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| Pulling Emilia the length of the track = H.A.R.D |
Even as I think about typing this it makes me nauseous, but
I am going to write this entry regardless.
On Saturday evening I had the pleasure of enjoying the
fireworks with my dear friend AL at Vanier Park. We were sipping our “grape Kool-Aid”
(aka red wine) from out Nalgene bottles when a family sat down not that far in
front of us. A girl was with them and she was struggling to fit into the camp
chair and it was wicked hot out and she was wearing jeans and a purple long
sleeve pullover, I knew what she was doing, done it many times myself, cover up,
hide and maybe people won’t notice you. I felt sad for her. I started having a
conversation with AL as the events unfolded in front of me and AL asked me “What
do you see when you look at her?” My response was me, I see me. She then asked “Do
you think that is how big you are?” My response “No, maybe a little bigger” AL
said “Wow, your relationship to yourself is way skewed, let me point out
someone who you actually look like.” She proceeded to point out an older lady,
stating that I maybe had 20lbs on her. I believe I called her a liar and told
her to stop smoking the crack, but for the rest of the evening I couldn’t help
but stare at the lady she pointed out wondering if that was what I really
looked like.
This conversation, of course, was relived today during my
session with Emilia and her response was exactly the thought that had been
going through my head since Saturday. The relationship you have with yourself
is the most important one of all. My relationship with myself in relation to my
size hasn’t been a very accurate one. We did resistance running today and
Emilia took a picture of me from behind and I forced myself to really look at
the picture. I am not as big as I have trained my mind to think I am. Do I have
some work to do? Yes. Am I doing it perfectly? No, but I am still doing it.
Emilia smiled and said “This is your journey; it takes you as long as it takes
you. This is all part of the journey.” I
also had coffee with my friend Tiffany last night and she said something very
similar. “This life is your journey, you can’t screw it up, so might as well
make it a good one!”
As I move along this path I am realizing that training the
body is the easy part, the hard part is retraining your mind and developing
new, more empowering beliefs in yourself.
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