Comfort, Relief & Change…

I am just past the half way mark in my 30 day challenge and up till these past few days it has been awesome. I have been full of energy, sleep has been amazing and I have been feeling really good. It’s amazing the difference eating barely any sugar can make in one’s life.  Then I tweaked a muscle in my hip and I couldn’t work out for almost 4 days. My chiropractor told me that going from working out 2-3 days a week to 5 days a week naturally increases the risk for injury if not careful and I didn’t listen to my body.  Standing looking at myself in the mirror it was the first time I noticed some changes in my body. I have two distinct lines down either side of my abdomen indicating that all the planking and core work I have been doing is paying off.  The little bulge in my tummy is distinctly smaller. The pants I put on defiantly were fitting smaller. A giant set of stairs I used to get winded climbing, I practically ran up them…. What did I do…panic.

A distinct sense of panic set it. I dealt with this panic by eating Jellybeans, followed the next day by a cookie, followed the next day by a donut. CRAP! Food, for me, has always provided a sense of relief, a sense of comfort and as I ate all this sugar and what I would have considered some of my “go to” foods, that familiar sense of comfort never set it. What set in was a gross sugar coma feeling. What set in was a tummy ache, not a sense of relief or comfort. This was quickly followed by tears and an emergency meeting with a couple members of the Skinny Cheerleader Posse (Click here to read about Skinny Cheerleader Posse).

These changes are scary for me. The layer of protection that I spent many years building is slowly slipping away. The bad habits I used to find comfort in are no longer comfortable. The foods I used to love to eat, no longer taste as good as they used to. This is all a good thing, despite not feeling that way!

Change happens. I ask for it and it is coming. Now my goal is to find new, healthy forms of comfort. For example, when panic sets in I go for a walk or a run. I call a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member and talk it out. I write a blog post, which is what this one is now, while sitting across from a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member. Allowing this change to happen is going to take a level of courage and vulnerability. It’s going to take me acknowledging and letting go of all my little self-sabotaging habits that have kept me overweight all this time.

Breathe….just breathe…I can do this. 

30 Day Fitness Challenge…

Well I have gone and done it now… I am on Day 4 of a 30 Day Fitness Challenge with Seva Fitness.

The challenge goes from Feb 1 – March 2. We are required to submit photos and measurements before and after and the winners are judged not only based on amounts lost in pounds and inches, but also in our participation. So, how actively am I participating and interacting with other challengers? Using the online forum?   Am I utilizing the access to 2 trainers, 2 physiotherapists and a holistic nutritionist? Did I attend all my boot camps and nutrition classes, etc… Then at the very end I have to submit a 200 word essay or vlog on how the challenge has affected my life.

I jumped at the opportunity to register when I got the invitation. However, as Day 1 got closer and closer  panic was setting in. Friday, I had my regular session with Emilia and we were doing photos and measurements for the challenge and I had to wear a tight fitting top. My normal attire for the gym is a baggy t-shirt, but I didn’t have that option this time. I was super uncomfortable in the studio with all the other trainers and people working out around me. I refused to do an exercise facing the mirror, but Emilia wasn’t allowing that to continue, so I faced the mirror and had to look at myself. Looking in the mirror for me, is like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun; scary and something I never wanted to face.

Day 3, Sunday, was my first bootcamp class. It has been some time since I have participated in any form of group exercise.  In fact, I tend to avoid it at all costs because it reminds me of high school and PE Class and the discomfort I would feel on a weekly basis. The snickers and looks from other kids, never being as good as everyone else in the class, being the last chosen for teams, not being able to keep up. On top of all of this, there was the self-talk going on in my head. I walked into the studio this morning and I was faced with 16 other women and 1 man all participating in the challenge. All those thoughts, fears and feelings from PE class came rushing back with force.

3 days into a 30 day fitness challenge and I have had to face two big fears square in the face. I had the thought today that I don’t know if I can take 27 more days of this! What I am getting is that going back is no longer an option. I am closing the back door and sealing all escape routes, so that the only option I have left is to go forward, move forward, to keep pushing through the fear, through the garbage to see what’s on the other side.

So if my only option is going forward then let’s go because this isn’t about the next 27 days, this is about living the width of my life, not the length of my life. I want to live this life with everything I got for however long I got. Having the ability to look any fear in the face and tell it to F off is really the best superpower anyone can ask for.

Let’s get er’ done!