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EverShrinkingDiva
Ever Shrinking Diva
I've battled my weight my whole life and have finally reached the end of the proverbial "rope". This blog is my journey to a healthier, livelier, more energetic me! You will read about wins, loses, successes and epic fails. You'll see posts from my trainer Emilia and yummy recipes that have all been mixed with a lil' dab of inspiration and a giant heaping of motivation....Welcome!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Superman...
Yesterday I was served with a beautiful reminder…
When I am working out with my trainer, we are in a gym that
is strictly for trainers who are training clients. For a few months now,
every Monday I get to admire a we like to call Superman. I know his real name, but another female trainer told me they refer to him as Superman, which seemed far more fitting. Now, when
Superman arrives there is an extra pep in my step, my form is normally spot on
and I push myself a little bit harder than normal, let’s face it Superman is
around. Why do we call him Superman? Well, he is a tall terribly handsome
Italian gentleman, who looks exactly like Clark Kent, but when we watch him
train, you know he is training because secretly in the night he puts on those
tights and red cape, taking off those dark framed glasses and he saves the
world.
Now, I have come to learn that Superman is in fact married,
with 3 children. No worries, because every girl loves window shopping even
though there is no intent to be Lois Lane. I had this picture in my mind of
who/what his wife would look like and today I got to see her. Turns out she
trains at the same time as him sometimes. I was expecting to see this image I
had in my head of someone I thought Superman would pick and I was wrong.
Superman’s wife is a stunningly beautiful plus size woman. Between sets they stole kisses and Superman
has in fact found his Lois Lane.
I was reminded that beauty is not found in a type, style or
assumption of who you think you should be or what you think you should look
like. Beauty is found inside and it glows out. Every guy is Superman and he is
just looking for his Lois Lane that radiates her super powers from the inside
out.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Fort Nikki...
Over the last few weeks I have been looking internally at a
lot of different things. Situations and decisions have come up in my life that
I have never really had to navigate before and two very dear friends have taken
the time to point something quite painful, but necessary out to me.
Outwardly you wouldn’t know that I am a very
private…introvert. After some thought and a little bit of reading, I am an
introvert with extrovert tendencies. I can’t count the number of people on one
hand that I trust and I don’t let many people in. This has slowly started to
change with the blogging and the posting of my pictures on my Facebook, but
those are small changes that I tell myself are good steps towards my goals.
What the truth is, I have built a really great fort around me. I have made it
up of sparkles, glitter, unicorns, and I am standing on the inside wanting to
let people in, but so overcome with fear, at times, that it is easier to just
keep the draw bridges up and the moat filled with alligators and sharks.
There are things in this life that I want to accomplish and
I have it like I can accomplish them. Can I if I am held up in this fort all
the time? Can I really accomplish them if I insist on doing it on my own? Can I
really accomplish all the things I want to accomplish with the teeny tiny
changes that I am making? Is that commitment? Is living this way making me
happy? Bringing me joy?
I am very lucky and so grateful for the things I have in my
life, my intention here is not to complain. I am just acknowledging that I tend
to lean a lot towards the “I can do it myself” and “I don’t really need
anyone’s help” way of operating. Not right or wrong, good or bad, but to
accomplish some of the things I want to I won’t be able to do it alone and
without people I trust. I acknowledge that I have always been a fan of the
“safe and calculated” moves outside my comfort zone. Time for some bigger
leaps!
Monday, April 1, 2013
Respect For Food...
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My new place setting :) |
If there is one thing that has become blazingly obvious it
is that I do not respect food and the ritual of eating. I would say that there
are defiantly times that I eat on the run, eat standing at the counter, eat
take out simply because it’s easy to grab after a long day. I can’t remember
the last time that I really enjoyed a meal either. You know that type of
enjoyment where you can describe the taste perfectly, you can remember the feel
of the food on your tongue and you rave about it anyone that will listen. I get so wrapped up in completing my “to do”
list that stopping to take a breathe and enjoy my food is at the bottom of the
list. I believe that this is also what has led to the habit of eating more food
than I actually need to eat in one sitting. When you aren’t paying attention to
the food and are focused on a different task I read that you can consume almost
double what you need before your body registers as full leaving you with that
“stuffed” feeling.
As I continue to read Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss one of the
exercises is to start a love affair with food. The relationship I have had with
food has been one of obsession, not love. When I eat there is guilt and shame
present so the last thing I want to do is take my time in eating it, or
appreciate the flavors and tastes. So in an effort to undermine the thought
patterns I have around food the exercise is to purchase a new, single place
setting that you love and eat one meal a day at your kitchen table, taking your
time, enjoying the food. No distractions, no cell phones, no newspapers, no
books. You only use this place setting for this ritual, starting with one meal
a day.
Well I did this exercise, once. I bought the beautiful place
setting and eating dinner at the table with no distractions was really quite
difficult and it took something. At first I felt ridiculous sitting at the
table by myself, then I was annoyed and then I found myself trying to eat
really quickly, so I stopped. I put down my fork and looked at the yummy,
healthy meal I had prepared. I took a deep breathe, picked my fork back up and
took a bite. Between each bite I put down my fork while I chewed. I was full
before I even finished everything on my plate. One other thing I noticed was
how good food tastes when you allow yourself to enjoy it! I didn’t cook with
any added flavor other than what flavors came from the food and the herbs I
used. It was amazing!
It is weird to think that I need to develop a love affair
with food, because it feels like that is the exact opposite of what I need, but
an obsession is different than a true love affair. As a result of this exercise
I am taking on “clean eating” and eating dinner 5 nights a week at my kitchen
table. Oh, if you aren’t sure on what “clean eating” is, stay tuned for my next
blog post :)
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Comfort, Relief & Change…
I am just past the half way mark in my 30 day challenge and
up till these past few days it has been awesome. I have been full of energy,
sleep has been amazing and I have been feeling really good. It’s amazing the
difference eating barely any sugar can make in one’s life. Then I tweaked a muscle in my hip and I
couldn’t work out for almost 4 days. My chiropractor told me that going from
working out 2-3 days a week to 5 days a week naturally increases the risk for
injury if not careful and I didn’t listen to my body. Standing looking at myself in the mirror it
was the first time I noticed some changes in my body. I have two distinct lines
down either side of my abdomen indicating that all the planking and core work I
have been doing is paying off. The
little bulge in my tummy is distinctly smaller. The pants I put on defiantly
were fitting smaller. A giant set of stairs I used to get winded climbing, I
practically ran up them…. What did I do…panic.
A distinct sense of panic set it. I dealt with this panic by
eating Jellybeans, followed the next day by a cookie, followed the next day by
a donut. CRAP! Food, for me, has always provided a sense of relief, a sense of
comfort and as I ate all this sugar and what I would have considered some of my
“go to” foods, that familiar sense of comfort never set it. What set in was a
gross sugar coma feeling. What set in was a tummy ache, not a sense of relief
or comfort. This was quickly followed by tears and an emergency meeting with a
couple members of the Skinny Cheerleader Posse (Click here to read about Skinny Cheerleader Posse).
These changes are scary for me. The layer of protection that
I spent many years building is slowly slipping away. The bad habits I used to
find comfort in are no longer comfortable. The foods I used to love to eat, no
longer taste as good as they used to. This is all a good thing, despite not
feeling that way!
Change happens. I ask for it and it is coming. Now my goal
is to find new, healthy forms of comfort. For example, when panic sets in I go
for a walk or a run. I call a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member and talk it out.
I write a blog post, which is what this one is now, while sitting across from a
Skinny Cheerleader Posse member. Allowing this change to happen is going to
take a level of courage and vulnerability. It’s going to take me acknowledging
and letting go of all my little self-sabotaging habits that have kept me
overweight all this time.
Breathe….just breathe…I can do this.
Monday, February 4, 2013
30 Day Fitness Challenge…
Well I have gone and done it now… I am on Day 4 of a 30 Day
Fitness Challenge with Seva Fitness.
The challenge goes from Feb 1 – March 2. We are required to
submit photos and measurements before and after and the winners are judged not
only based on amounts lost in pounds and inches, but also in our participation.
So, how actively am I participating and interacting with other challengers?
Using the online forum? Am I utilizing
the access to 2 trainers, 2 physiotherapists and a holistic nutritionist? Did I
attend all my boot camps and nutrition classes, etc… Then at the very end I
have to submit a 200 word essay or vlog on how the challenge has affected my
life.
I jumped at the opportunity to register when I got the invitation.
However, as Day 1 got closer and closer
panic was setting in. Friday, I had my regular session with Emilia and
we were doing photos and measurements for the challenge and I had to wear a
tight fitting top. My normal attire for the gym is a baggy t-shirt, but I
didn’t have that option this time. I was super uncomfortable in the studio with
all the other trainers and people working out around me. I refused to do an
exercise facing the mirror, but Emilia wasn’t allowing that to continue, so I
faced the mirror and had to look at myself. Looking in the mirror for me, is
like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun; scary and something I never wanted to face.
Day 3, Sunday, was my first bootcamp class. It has been some
time since I have participated in any form of group exercise. In fact, I tend to avoid it at all costs
because it reminds me of high school and PE Class and the discomfort I would
feel on a weekly basis. The snickers and looks from other kids, never being as
good as everyone else in the class, being the last chosen for teams, not being
able to keep up. On top of all of this, there was the self-talk going on in my
head. I walked into the studio this morning and I was faced with 16 other women
and 1 man all participating in the challenge. All those thoughts, fears and
feelings from PE class came rushing back with force.
3 days into a 30 day fitness challenge and I have had to
face two big fears square in the face. I had the thought today that I don’t
know if I can take 27 more days of this! What I am getting is that going back
is no longer an option. I am closing the back door and sealing all escape
routes, so that the only option I have left is to go forward, move forward, to
keep pushing through the fear, through the garbage to see what’s on the other
side.
So if my only option is going forward then let’s go because
this isn’t about the next 27 days, this is about living the width of my life,
not the length of my life. I want to live this life with everything I got for
however long I got. Having the ability to look any fear in the face and tell it
to F off is really the best superpower anyone can ask for.
Let’s get er’ done!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Fat B*tch’s Apology to Skinny Cheerleader…
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Thank you Google Images for the photo |
As I have shared previously I am making my way through a
very confronting book, A Course In Weight
Loss by Marianne Williamson. It’s never a mistake that an hour after
posting on my blog about Forgiveness I pick up this book to continue reading
and this chapter is too about forgiveness.
This chapter talks about our deepest fear is one of being
acknowledged as beautiful, that the idea of being healthy and skinny frightens
me. For the first time in a long time this is one fear I won’t deny. I think
about being healthy and having this body I have seen in my mind’s eye before
but truth of the matter is, I don’t know how to navigate the world being that.
I know how to navigate the world being a plus size girl. I know how to navigate
comments, doorways, airplane seats, etc. I don’t know how to handle or what the
world would be like as a skinnier version of me. The chapter continues to talk
about trusting that you are strong enough to handle being beautiful and
trusting that the world is not a dangerous place.
This chapter took a little digesting and as a result the
exercise in the chapter is to write an apology letter, so once again what better
place to share this than here…
Fat B*tch Apologizes…
Dear Skinny Cheerleader,
I know
that I haven’t been the nicest person to you. Stuffing you away with all the
food and trying to ignore the fact that you exist. I’ve never actually seen you
because I started to get heavy at such an early age so it’s hard to believe you
really exist. Although, I’m certain I’ve seen glimpses of you in the mirror and
it did make me smile. I want to love you, but the consumption of fear at time
is overwhelming and the eating of food so easy. I’m hoping, praying and trying
to trust that if I stay the course I’m on, you’ll be revealed. With the help of
my trainers, my friends and some Divine guidance I will embrace all the love
that you are. I’m sorry.
Bare
With Me,
Fat
B*tch
Skinny Cheerleader Responds…
Dear Fat B*tch,
I’m
right here, pom pom’s in hand. Ready when you are.
Ready
to be Exposed,
Skinny
Cheerleader
P.S –
Yes that was me you saw in the mirror.
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