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Superman...

Yesterday I was served with a beautiful reminder…

When I am working out with my trainer, we are in a gym that is strictly for trainers who are training clients. For a few months now, every Monday I get to admire a we like to call Superman. I know his real name, but another female trainer told me they refer to him as Superman, which seemed far more fitting. Now, when Superman arrives there is an extra pep in my step, my form is normally spot on and I push myself a little bit harder than normal, let’s face it Superman is around. Why do we call him Superman? Well, he is a tall terribly handsome Italian gentleman, who looks exactly like Clark Kent, but when we watch him train, you know he is training because secretly in the night he puts on those tights and red cape, taking off those dark framed glasses and he saves the world.

Now, I have come to learn that Superman is in fact married, with 3 children. No worries, because every girl loves window shopping even though there is no intent to be Lois Lane. I had this picture in my mind of who/what his wife would look like and today I got to see her. Turns out she trains at the same time as him sometimes. I was expecting to see this image I had in my head of someone I thought Superman would pick and I was wrong. Superman’s wife is a stunningly beautiful plus size woman.  Between sets they stole kisses and Superman has in fact found his Lois Lane.

I was reminded that beauty is not found in a type, style or assumption of who you think you should be or what you think you should look like. Beauty is found inside and it glows out. Every guy is Superman and he is just looking for his Lois Lane that radiates her super powers from the inside out. 

Fort Nikki...

Over the last few weeks I have been looking internally at a lot of different things. Situations and decisions have come up in my life that I have never really had to navigate before and two very dear friends have taken the time to point something quite painful, but necessary out to me.

Outwardly you wouldn’t know that I am a very private…introvert. After some thought and a little bit of reading, I am an introvert with extrovert tendencies. I can’t count the number of people on one hand that I trust and I don’t let many people in. This has slowly started to change with the blogging and the posting of my pictures on my Facebook, but those are small changes that I tell myself are good steps towards my goals. What the truth is, I have built a really great fort around me. I have made it up of sparkles, glitter, unicorns, and I am standing on the inside wanting to let people in, but so overcome with fear, at times, that it is easier to just keep the draw bridges up and the moat filled with alligators and sharks.

There are things in this life that I want to accomplish and I have it like I can accomplish them. Can I if I am held up in this fort all the time? Can I really accomplish them if I insist on doing it on my own? Can I really accomplish all the things I want to accomplish with the teeny tiny changes that I am making? Is that commitment? Is living this way making me happy? Bringing me joy?

I am very lucky and so grateful for the things I have in my life, my intention here is not to complain. I am just acknowledging that I tend to lean a lot towards the “I can do it myself” and “I don’t really need anyone’s help” way of operating. Not right or wrong, good or bad, but to accomplish some of the things I want to I won’t be able to do it alone and without people I trust. I acknowledge that I have always been a fan of the “safe and calculated” moves outside my comfort zone. Time for some bigger leaps! 

Respect For Food...

My new place setting :) 

If there is one thing that has become blazingly obvious it is that I do not respect food and the ritual of eating. I would say that there are defiantly times that I eat on the run, eat standing at the counter, eat take out simply because it’s easy to grab after a long day. I can’t remember the last time that I really enjoyed a meal either. You know that type of enjoyment where you can describe the taste perfectly, you can remember the feel of the food on your tongue and you rave about it anyone that will listen.  I get so wrapped up in completing my “to do” list that stopping to take a breathe and enjoy my food is at the bottom of the list. I believe that this is also what has led to the habit of eating more food than I actually need to eat in one sitting. When you aren’t paying attention to the food and are focused on a different task I read that you can consume almost double what you need before your body registers as full leaving you with that “stuffed” feeling.

As I continue to read Marianne Williamson’s A Course in Weight Loss one of the exercises is to start a love affair with food. The relationship I have had with food has been one of obsession, not love. When I eat there is guilt and shame present so the last thing I want to do is take my time in eating it, or appreciate the flavors and tastes. So in an effort to undermine the thought patterns I have around food the exercise is to purchase a new, single place setting that you love and eat one meal a day at your kitchen table, taking your time, enjoying the food. No distractions, no cell phones, no newspapers, no books. You only use this place setting for this ritual, starting with one meal a day.

Well I did this exercise, once. I bought the beautiful place setting and eating dinner at the table with no distractions was really quite difficult and it took something. At first I felt ridiculous sitting at the table by myself, then I was annoyed and then I found myself trying to eat really quickly, so I stopped. I put down my fork and looked at the yummy, healthy meal I had prepared. I took a deep breathe, picked my fork back up and took a bite. Between each bite I put down my fork while I chewed. I was full before I even finished everything on my plate. One other thing I noticed was how good food tastes when you allow yourself to enjoy it! I didn’t cook with any added flavor other than what flavors came from the food and the herbs I used. It was amazing!

It is weird to think that I need to develop a love affair with food, because it feels like that is the exact opposite of what I need, but an obsession is different than a true love affair. As a result of this exercise I am taking on “clean eating” and eating dinner 5 nights a week at my kitchen table. Oh, if you aren’t sure on what “clean eating” is, stay tuned for my next blog post :)

Comfort, Relief & Change…

I am just past the half way mark in my 30 day challenge and up till these past few days it has been awesome. I have been full of energy, sleep has been amazing and I have been feeling really good. It’s amazing the difference eating barely any sugar can make in one’s life.  Then I tweaked a muscle in my hip and I couldn’t work out for almost 4 days. My chiropractor told me that going from working out 2-3 days a week to 5 days a week naturally increases the risk for injury if not careful and I didn’t listen to my body.  Standing looking at myself in the mirror it was the first time I noticed some changes in my body. I have two distinct lines down either side of my abdomen indicating that all the planking and core work I have been doing is paying off.  The little bulge in my tummy is distinctly smaller. The pants I put on defiantly were fitting smaller. A giant set of stairs I used to get winded climbing, I practically ran up them…. What did I do…panic.

A distinct sense of panic set it. I dealt with this panic by eating Jellybeans, followed the next day by a cookie, followed the next day by a donut. CRAP! Food, for me, has always provided a sense of relief, a sense of comfort and as I ate all this sugar and what I would have considered some of my “go to” foods, that familiar sense of comfort never set it. What set in was a gross sugar coma feeling. What set in was a tummy ache, not a sense of relief or comfort. This was quickly followed by tears and an emergency meeting with a couple members of the Skinny Cheerleader Posse (Click here to read about Skinny Cheerleader Posse).

These changes are scary for me. The layer of protection that I spent many years building is slowly slipping away. The bad habits I used to find comfort in are no longer comfortable. The foods I used to love to eat, no longer taste as good as they used to. This is all a good thing, despite not feeling that way!

Change happens. I ask for it and it is coming. Now my goal is to find new, healthy forms of comfort. For example, when panic sets in I go for a walk or a run. I call a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member and talk it out. I write a blog post, which is what this one is now, while sitting across from a Skinny Cheerleader Posse member. Allowing this change to happen is going to take a level of courage and vulnerability. It’s going to take me acknowledging and letting go of all my little self-sabotaging habits that have kept me overweight all this time.

Breathe….just breathe…I can do this. 

30 Day Fitness Challenge…

Well I have gone and done it now… I am on Day 4 of a 30 Day Fitness Challenge with Seva Fitness.

The challenge goes from Feb 1 – March 2. We are required to submit photos and measurements before and after and the winners are judged not only based on amounts lost in pounds and inches, but also in our participation. So, how actively am I participating and interacting with other challengers? Using the online forum?   Am I utilizing the access to 2 trainers, 2 physiotherapists and a holistic nutritionist? Did I attend all my boot camps and nutrition classes, etc… Then at the very end I have to submit a 200 word essay or vlog on how the challenge has affected my life.

I jumped at the opportunity to register when I got the invitation. However, as Day 1 got closer and closer  panic was setting in. Friday, I had my regular session with Emilia and we were doing photos and measurements for the challenge and I had to wear a tight fitting top. My normal attire for the gym is a baggy t-shirt, but I didn’t have that option this time. I was super uncomfortable in the studio with all the other trainers and people working out around me. I refused to do an exercise facing the mirror, but Emilia wasn’t allowing that to continue, so I faced the mirror and had to look at myself. Looking in the mirror for me, is like staring down the barrel of a loaded gun; scary and something I never wanted to face.

Day 3, Sunday, was my first bootcamp class. It has been some time since I have participated in any form of group exercise.  In fact, I tend to avoid it at all costs because it reminds me of high school and PE Class and the discomfort I would feel on a weekly basis. The snickers and looks from other kids, never being as good as everyone else in the class, being the last chosen for teams, not being able to keep up. On top of all of this, there was the self-talk going on in my head. I walked into the studio this morning and I was faced with 16 other women and 1 man all participating in the challenge. All those thoughts, fears and feelings from PE class came rushing back with force.

3 days into a 30 day fitness challenge and I have had to face two big fears square in the face. I had the thought today that I don’t know if I can take 27 more days of this! What I am getting is that going back is no longer an option. I am closing the back door and sealing all escape routes, so that the only option I have left is to go forward, move forward, to keep pushing through the fear, through the garbage to see what’s on the other side.

So if my only option is going forward then let’s go because this isn’t about the next 27 days, this is about living the width of my life, not the length of my life. I want to live this life with everything I got for however long I got. Having the ability to look any fear in the face and tell it to F off is really the best superpower anyone can ask for.

Let’s get er’ done! 

Fat B*tch’s Apology to Skinny Cheerleader…

Thank you Google Images for the photo

As I have shared previously I am making my way through a very confronting book, A Course In Weight Loss by Marianne Williamson. It’s never a mistake that an hour after posting on my blog about Forgiveness I pick up this book to continue reading and this chapter is too about forgiveness.

This chapter talks about our deepest fear is one of being acknowledged as beautiful, that the idea of being healthy and skinny frightens me. For the first time in a long time this is one fear I won’t deny. I think about being healthy and having this body I have seen in my mind’s eye before but truth of the matter is, I don’t know how to navigate the world being that. I know how to navigate the world being a plus size girl. I know how to navigate comments, doorways, airplane seats, etc. I don’t know how to handle or what the world would be like as a skinnier version of me. The chapter continues to talk about trusting that you are strong enough to handle being beautiful and trusting that the world is not a dangerous place.

This chapter took a little digesting and as a result the exercise in the chapter is to write an apology letter, so once again what better place to share this than here…

Fat B*tch Apologizes…

Dear Skinny Cheerleader,

                I know that I haven’t been the nicest person to you. Stuffing you away with all the food and trying to ignore the fact that you exist. I’ve never actually seen you because I started to get heavy at such an early age so it’s hard to believe you really exist. Although, I’m certain I’ve seen glimpses of you in the mirror and it did make me smile. I want to love you, but the consumption of fear at time is overwhelming and the eating of food so easy. I’m hoping, praying and trying to trust that if I stay the course I’m on, you’ll be revealed. With the help of my trainers, my friends and some Divine guidance I will embrace all the love that you are. I’m sorry.

                                                                                                Bare With Me,

                                                                                                                Fat B*tch

Skinny Cheerleader Responds…

Dear Fat B*tch,

                I’m right here, pom pom’s in hand. Ready when you are.

                                                                                Ready to be Exposed,

                                                                                                Skinny Cheerleader

                P.S – Yes that was me you saw in the mirror.